Good morning gorgeous!
This will be short and sweet! I promise.
I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend thus far. I’m here at church waiting for service to begin. I pray that everyone makes it to church so, you can worship and prepare for this upcoming week. Remember you can be and do whatever you desire as long as you apply yourself. The sky is not your limit. keep God first and you’ll be fine!
Blessings
The easiest thing I could do is walk away from Jesus. It was easy because, I knew he would be there when I returned. So, day by day my inches grew into feet that, I used to walk away from my Jesus. I back slid my way to the entrance of hell. I danced with devil and I was sleeping with the enemy. I put God second and everything else first. Each day I stop reading my bible, I stopped fellowshipping at church, and I wasn’t living holy. I was tired of living by the good book; I wanted to have a good time. I wanted to take risk and live on the edge. I wanted to be free and act my age. I wanted to be careless for a moment. I wanted to have a taste of the fast life again.
To my surprise, I was just preparing my bed in Hell. I was giving my life to the enemy because, I wasn’t giving it to Jesus. I stop caring about church, my religion, and my morals. I was going through a screwed up period in my life.
I didn’t even want to listen to gospel music, I didn’t want to attend church, I didn’t want to be around Christians, and I was just living like a crazy woman.
Anyhow, times got hard and I wanted to return to Jesus. But I didn’t know how to so, a situation occurred (My car broke down and caught on fire on one of the deadliest bridges in America. I had a panic attack.) That situation scared the heck out of me! But it didn’t change me. I still felt distant from Christ. I wanted to pray and talk to Jesus but, my relationship was gone. I felt like my prayers were only reaching my ceilings. I really felt alone and broken. I just needed Jesus. I felt like the world used me and tossed me aside. I felt like God was allowing me to suffer. I wanted him to quickly rescue me the moment my life was falling apart. (However, I had to remember that God wasn’t my puppet who came to my rescue on my time.)
Anyhow, my spiritual life was in complete shambles. I was a wreck and so was my life. I wanted to fix my relationship with Jesus because, I knew that things were going to only get worst without him.
So, one day I prayed and I cried my heart out. I repented and asked for forgiveness. I told Jesus that I wanted to rekindle our relationship. I asked him to forgive me of my foolish acts. And during our intimate moments I told him that I’ll give him my life. I told him I’ll do whatever it is that he needs me to do. I told God that I missed his secure presence and relationship.
Now I’m back on track and I want to do more Godly things and be around Godly people. It was my worst mistake to break up with Jesus. I woke up mad, I was mad throughout the day, and I went to bed mad that’s all because, I wasn’t putting God (Christ) first. I was catching Hell…….
It feels good to be in the arms of Jesus! Oh, it feels good to have a relationship with Jesus. I’ll never walk away from Jesus again!
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For the longest I was depressed from June 2013 to March 2015 (1 year and three months.) I was tired, emotional, and stressed out. I overrated about every single thing. I hated my life and I was desperate for a change. I was unhappy and plain out mad. I wanted to be happy but, I couldn’t force myself to be happy. Everything and everyone around me just pissed me off and I just wanted to be left alone.
I knew my feelings weren’t normal or healthy. So, I started doing some soul searching and I realized that I need to stop pleasing others and begin pleasing myself. So, I evaluated the people in my life. The places I was going and the things I was doing.
I first cut ties with the people who drained my energy with stress, negativity, and foolishness. I took inventory on the people who I had in my personal space. I ended relationships and removed people completely out of my life. Secondly, I stopped going to places that I didn’t feel comfortable at for instance, I was at a wonderful church but, the youth pastor and I had a fling that got really messy. Therefore, staying at that church distracted my relationship with God and prevented me from receiving the message that my Bishop was offering. Lastly, I evaluated the activities that I was engaged in. I realized that I participated in activities that really didn’t strike my interest. I did things because, people asked me to do them. It turned out that I was a people pleaser. I was pleasing everyone but, myself.
I took a moment to change my life, my thinking, and my doing.
Every since I made these changes in my life I’ve been much happier inside. I have peace. I have joy. And most of all I have a better relationship with Jesus! (For the longest I felt distant from God.) I feel amazing inside. I don’t feel like eating my pain away in fact, I don’t have any pain. I’m so happy and I’m not reverting backwards! As a matter of fact I don’t have resentment in my heart for the unhealthy relationships that I involved myself with my family or friends. I NO LONGER resent the youth pastor (I couldn’t get over the fact that a church boy played me lol!) I no longer resent the places that I use to hang out at. I have nothing but, love in my heart.
Now, I just pray that God does the following:
1. sends me new friends/family
2. A new church home
3. More engagement on the activities I enjoy (like writing and speaking)
The pictures above are indicators of how depression affected me. I gained over 23 lbs in less than a year. You can see the difference in my sizes in the pictures above. Don’t worry I’m slimming down just watch! 🙂
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Can I be honest for a moment. I mean can I be transparent for a brief second. Can this post be for me and my heart and no one else. Can this post be a page out of my journey because, my heart need to be relieved.
Inside I’m so tired of being angry towards you. I’m tired of wishing that I never met you. I’m tired of holding this story within my heart. I’m tired of this heaviness. I’m tired of not expressing my feelings because, it may hurt you or career.
It’s about me now. I have to put my feelings first. Because in the last six months I’ve gain nearly 20lbs because, of stress. Now I’m ready to shead these pounds and move from this dark space. So, here I am blogging on this incident. This post has nothing against you only the benefit of my peace.
I met you a month after my divorce and a month after leaving a church I loved. I was compelled with emotional baggage. You see I’ve already had ruff life before I met you. Honestly, I’ve been through much more than you can imagine or handle. I was seeking church for healing but, I met you. I was at church searching for healing within but, I met you a temporary pain reliever YOU. I met you when I was vulnerable, weak, and broken. I was defensive, disrespectful, and mean towards because, I felt like you used me. Before I met you I was celibate for two years. I was on my path of freedom from bondage, abuse, and hurt. But when I met you I relapsed and I put my religion on the backburner…..You see I’ve always reflect on how you and I met. I’ve always reflect on the words that you said to. Some of those things you said to me had me to question your character and your position. And these things led me to believe that you’ve made a habit on preying on vulnerable woman. That’s the only reason why I threatened to tell Bishop about your behavior. In fact, I thought you were a well rounded whore. Yes, I told a friend about the situation while drinking wine. I had no idea she would tell other people. I guess she wasn’t a friend. Anyhow, I’ve let that go!
As of now that mayhew is behind me. I finally forgive you. I hope you forgive me as well but, I’m done feuding with you. I’m done with the subliminal messages on social media, I’m done ever discussing you, and when someone mentions you I will change the topic. I’m praying for you and I wish you well.
Take care Maria,
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Its 7:45 am I’m sitting in the parking lot at church. I’m contemplating on attending church or heading back home. My hands are shaking very bad and the butterflies have taken over my abdomen. My heart is racing and my palms are sweaty. Anyhow, I mustered up a prayer and asked God to lead me inside. Ten minutes later I finally got the strength to open the car door and walk towards the building. As I approaching the church door, a heaviness came over my entire body. My knees got weak and I just paused for a moment. I then gathered my thoughts and slowly pulled the door open. The greeter smile and welcomed me inside. At this point the nervousness was slightly going away. So, I picked up my pace and I headed towards the elevator. I took the elevator to the second floor and I walked through the hallways while security gazed at me like piece of pork chop. I was nervous because I had wired thought that were going to escort me out of the building lol. Anyhow I spotted the pew I wanted and I quickly at down.
I sat down really quickly and I kept my head down just so no one could recognize me. I honestly didn’t think anyone would recognize me because the church is extremely large. However, less than three minutes one of the mothers approached me. She asked me “where have you been?” I simply replied “I just stopped attending church.” I asked her how was she able to recognize me. She simply said ” You’re always so beautiful, so sweet, and I just knew it was you. I was completely baffled but, I hugged her and grabbed my phone and pretended to look busy again. Then out of nowhere two other mother’s of the church approached me. Both of the mothers explained to me that they really missed me. We hugged and sat down. Then I started receiving text messages from everyone saying it was good to see me. I was overwhelmed with the amount of love that everyone was sending me. I got teary eyed! I honestly thought that people were going to be judgemental about my absence.
My point is that I got lost in the pews and found in the world. I was productive in church in all the wrong areas. I wasn’t around positive individuals. I wasn’t following God’s leadership. I was basically doing things my way. I wasn’t being obedient to the word of God therefore, I just got lost in the pews. Spiritually I was dying and I was pulling away from church and God. So, I found a place in the world. I started going to ungodly places, I wasn’t fellowshipping with the right crowds of people, and I basically stopped attending church. Every Sunday I slept in or found something to do.
The backlash of being found in the world was that I had to deal with everything alone. I felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was dealing with so many personal issues alone such as,
1. Court issues
2. Finals for school
3. Making sure my kids have the proper necessity for school and tutoring
4. I had to convince my brother to enter into rehab (He was living in a abandoned home.)
5. I had to work every day under pressure
6. My uncle wanted to temporarily move in with me
7. Etcetera etcetera etcetera
I dealt with these issues all alone. I couldn’t talk to anyone but, God. Granted I was lost in the pews and found in the world because, I didn’t bury myself in Christ. Anyhow, when things got really ruff I started praying more and asking God to rekindle my relationship with him. As of today I’m not lost in the pews or found in the world I’m just resting in the spirit of Christ. I have a renewed mindset and I’ve learned from my mistakes.
Therefore, if you’re going through something I encourage you to pray to God and ask him to lead and guide you on your path. Don’t let the world break you and rob you of your joy. Don’t let people make you feel less than great about yourself. And don’t beat yourself up for your past mistakes. God has forgiven you so forgive yourself. You’re not perfect and you’ll continue to make mistakes. So, pick yourself up and fight for your life. You are a great person and you will do marvelous things in this world. You’re beautiful, courageous, and amazing!
Don’t let the world change your smile, change the world with your smile! 🙂
Love you
The other day I wrote a post about considering leaving the church. I just wanted to piggy back off of particular post and give my readers part two. (This will bless your life.)
The entire month of July I’ve be contemplating on leaving the “Church life.” Yes, the body of Christ period. I was not going to become an Atheist but, I did not want to be around church people period. I wanted to go off and live my life and only have a personal relationship with the Lord without fellowshipping. I wanted to just go back to my normal patterns and just lay in bed on Sundays and roll into church when I felt like it. I then started engaging into old habits. I found myself back sliding to the old woman I use to be. I became vain, my thinking was altered and I found myself in a frenzy. So, I had to quickly find myself a quick fix and go to someone’s church. So, I visited a few churches but, I felt incomplete. I felt like I was missing something out of my life. I felt a bit lost and out of place. So, the only thing I could do is pray to God and ask for his direction.
I poured out to God saying, ” Lord, Where do I go from here. I don’t have a church home. Someone betrayed me deeply from my church. I cant go back. Lord, rumors were told about me some facts some fictional. Lord, there is no way I’m showing my face there. Plus, the last time I was there some folks were giving me the side eye. They looked at me like I did not belong there. Besides Lord I’ve heard too many rumors about my church. Lord, on top of that one of the mothers of the Church is always talk about my clothes under her breath to her little friends lol. Lord, I cant go back. I know its time for me to leave and live my life. Not to mention my church is on the other side of town and there is a church up the street! Lord why do you have me here?”
God placed this on my heart ” Beloved you have a church home. And I never told you to leave. You stepped out of my will and reacted off of your emotions. You’ve caused this confusion to come upon yourself. You wanted to run away because of what others are saying. You took matters into your own hands once again. You and I both know what happened and I’ve forgiven you. Its time to move on and sin no more. This situation will make sense later in your life. You all have sinned and I love you all . Pick your self up and complete the assignments that I have given you. Don’t worry about what people say about the Church I placed you at. I placed you there for a reason and my reasons only. You need to stay focused on my teachings and filter out the negativity. Remember how far I’ve brought you. Remember were you used to be.”
That was a lot to intake but, I did just what the Lord placed on my heart to do. At first I was nervous and I felt naked I felt like everyone knew my business (both fictional and truth.) But I did not care what anyone was thinking. I just wanted to be obedient to the Lord. I reflected back on my past and remember all of the trials that God brought me through. I thought about how faithful God has been to me during my lowest moments. I thought about the other people in my life who came against me. From that point on those thoughts went away. I closed my eyes and begin to worship God in sprit and in truth. I focused on the Word of God and enjoyed service.
I felt good knowing that I’ve finally past the test of running away. I dealt with my problems and I handled my situation like a woman with class. It was challenging but, I can now move forward with my life.
I encourage you to deal with your issues. Face your fears. And never let anyone or anything run you away from a place or thing that you love. Running away from your problems creates hidden pain.
Please understand that no one has a perfect past. Everyone has some type of Skelton in there closet. Hold your head up high, keep smiling, stay positive, and carry yourself with GRACE!
Love ya in Jesus name!
Recently God has been telling me to be quiet. And to stop being so vocal and combative with others. God has told me to shut the hell up. The “Hell representing every negative factor in my life. The hell involving the relationships in my life. The Hell involving my desires and wants. The Hell that has caused me so much pain and suffering.
While praying God said “Its time for you to be quite!” I replied “Lord, this is difficult because, I’m the type of woman that has always express her feelings. I have to tell people how I feel, when I felt like it ” Then I waited for God to speak back to me in prayer. But of course that was the end. (God was not not about to go back and forth with me lol) I just kept praying and praising God for every situation and every person in my life. However, I walked away wanting to know why it was so important for me to shut the hell up.
Hours later I realize that I don’t have to express my feelings to no one but God. Telling others of how I felt was a waste of my time. I understood that God can’t fight my battles if I’m always running my mouth. I cant hear from God if I’m always TALKING. Besides if I’m always bringing up the hell in my life God isn’t getting any Glory because, I’m so, focused on the negative factors in my life. Now I see its better for me to take my issues to God and allow him to give me direction and the proper words on what to say!
This will be a learning process because, I’ve been talkative all my life. I’ve always express myself to others. Honestly, I don’t mind going back and forth with my opinions. However, I feel like God is maturing me into the woman he needs me to be before my future husband arrives. God is fixing the broken areas inside of me and making me whole. (Lord Knows A Honest Man Of God Will Not Deal With My Explosive Mouth Lol!) I also believe that God is taking me into a new season and I must be humbled and quiet. 🙂
Anyhow, I hope you “Shut The Hell Up,” in your life. Don’t allow your mouth to ruin relationships, partnerships, and business deals. Allow God to speak through you when you don’t know what say. Ask the Lord to give you a clarity on having empathy for others. Stay positive, hang around positive people, and engage in positive activities. In the mean time get on your knees and pray to the Lord and ask him to remove the Hell from inside of you and around you.
Be bless babies Love ya in Jesus name!
For a moment I wanted to walk away from God and just back slide. I’ve seen so much behind the scenes of the body of Christ until I was sick to my belly. The things I saw and encounter rubbed me the wrong way. I told God that this church life was not for me.
I popped opened two wine coolers and thought about how I wanted to go back to my old life. I made a phone call to a few industries to make fast money. I called a few old friends who I knew was involved in a lifestyle that God delivered me from. I knew I was wrong but I was hurting inside and I needed a quick fix for the pain.
Of course I told a few of my newer girlfriends and they were displeased! I did not care because, they don’t know the pain that is housed inside of me.
My dear friend convinced me that people are people not Jesus! She ranted on how people make mistakes. (And more) The conversation got deep and the root of my hurt was exposed and I was challenged. I cried and realized that I was angry at God. When I should be upset with myself for placing myself in upsetting circumstance.
To be continued…….
I know its late but something is on my heart and I need to get this out. I have no one to talk to time, all I can do is write. Anyhow, there was an gospel artist in town this weekend I was eagered to see his performance. In my heart I felt certain I was going to be blessed of how the Lord will use him. The tickets for his atual perforance was 50.00 which included dinner, picture, and performance. The after party is 25.00. 20.00 if they were purchased in advance. Anyhow, I wanted to attend the after party. I assumed it would just as good as the actual show. Anyhow, I entered the building, when I enter the room I noticed the music was playing. It was R.Kelly step, some people were dancing. The lights were dim. Some of the dresses were tight and short. To be frank with you I was confused. Don’t jump to any conclusions just yet! Allow me to say this (at times I don’t always listen to gospel music, and if you browse through my blog you may see me in fitted appreal, and there is nothing wrong with dim lights). I had to clear that up. Heres the problem I had with all of those things, I felt like that was inappropriate for the type of event it was. Its like the atmosphere was already set for the devil. Music that is tempering, fitted appreal that can provoke lust (and perhaps an open bar). Why put the man of God up over a crowd like that, the enemy is running wild. (If he is not casting out demons, throwing holy oil, and binding the devils agenda, he should not even sing. If he does sing it should be an R.Kelly song or some sort lol). Here’s my point people it was to wordly for me, if I wanted wordly things I would have attended the salsa club next door or the jazz club across the street. The atmosphere was to uncomfortable for me try to praise God and to feel the presence of the Holy Ghost. I just left because, I’m not the one to play church. Think about it this way when enter the house of the Lord have thanksgiving on your tongue, that’s difficult when R.kelly is playing. Ok here is another example suppose one of those woman just so happen to be touched by the Holy Sprit and her bussiness is shown. If these types of things are not accepted in church that they should not be accepted with anything that is. Associated with our Heavenly father. Honestly, I thought I would see saints prasing God, singing hymns and all lol. But I was mistaken, give me your insight on this!
Saddity Living 