I’m Not Where I want To Be But, Thank God I’m Not Where I Used To Be

Its 2:52 am and for wild reason I can’t go to sleep. So, I decided to blog on this much needed topic title. Here goes!        I have rebuilt my life and reconstructed myself. Last year this time I had no self esteem, I suicidal (well thoughts,) I was in a unordain marriage. I was lost God really had his hands on me. He used my children to help me as well. Anyhow, life was dark for me but, in the midst of my darkness I continued to go to Church. An one particular Sunday I was called to the alter by my than pastor. He prayed for me and simply said “You need to get out of that, situation that spirit is after your son.” My than pastor had no idea of how depressed or suicidal I was. But deep down inside I knew what he was referring to. My marriage of course. I left church shaking like hell with a heart full of fear and I told my than husband, I wanted a divorce. I was scared because I never fully stood up to him. Now don’t get wrong I didn’t decide just to throw the towel because I was moody. There was cheating since we began to date, I dealt with it because I thought he would one day change. Plus I came from a single parent home and I wanted something different for my kids (not realizing I was really hurting them). To be honest once I found out he cheated while I was pregnant with my second child, I was supposed to leave him. Move back to my home town, and start off fresh. I didn’t do that, instead I got married. He cheated six months prior to us getting married. I was a naive fool, and I paid for my disobedience. Back to the matter at hand. Once I asked my than husband to leave. My bills were due and my children needed things, I still put him out. I had to trust God. In fact this was a season of Faith Building. During this season I got job with a bad schedule (my kids father refused to give me my children at night), I was being garnished by Sallie Mae, my engine blew in my car, I was trying to file my divorce myself, I was trying to get child support and top of that I still had to be a mother. My lights were disconnected, my uncle was buying my groceries. I felt overwhelmed I asked GOD, to give a sign if I’m supposed to get a divorce, it was hard doing things on my own. There were timed where I would have meet them my kids at school and have lunch. I enjoyed seeing them but, my kids were ready to come home. One day in particular my son was adamant about coming home so, I knelt down and said mommy is going to fight to get you home. ” He said no mommy if you fight daddy is going to get the belt.” I almost fainted (this was a confirmation from God that my divorce was needed.) I was shocked by what he said. I begin to feel like a bad mother. I felt like I made a big mistake, I felt horrible. I left my son school in tears. Anyhow, long story short my faith was built, child support was granted in my favor (although I don’t get at funds lol), My divorce was in my favor (I will blog about my divorce soon), custody worked out in my favor. The garnishment stopped, and I received a day shift job. After all of that I had faith. During this year I experienced a season of CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.  I’m still in this season. God had to emerge my thinking to a higher level. My old mindset and negative outlook had to go! I’m work in progress. July 2012-2013 has been a long year but, I managed to survive. I start school in August 2013. I’m always pursuing my goal as a journalist. I’m a pleasant mother to my children. God is developing my character. I’m celibate. I’m no longer a clubbed. And I drink wine every two months lol. I’m happy and I have peace. I’ve joined a new church and I’m actually active. God has also allowed me to meet some incredible people who I call friends, friends who are established Christians with drive. Again I’m happy and I have peace. I’m not where I want to be but, thank God I’m not where I used to be. If you are in some mess get out of it, GOD wants to accelerate you into your purpose. God bless you! (Will fix typos)